My Silent Retreat (cover story vol 40:1, Feb-March 2008, page 10-11) PDF Print E-mail

Curious, I signed up for a silent retreat in June 2004. It promised three full days of silence, solitude and prayer, which are not exactly my strong points. Far from sitting in a yogic trance under a tree, it was sheer hard work — physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. But, all in all, it was a special privilege and blessing.

Anti-social stance

Dr Chew Tow Yow, our spiritual director, briefed us on what to expect in a silent retreat. Every time we left our rooms, we were to wear a tag with the words “Silent Retreat” to  forewarn others of our anti-social stance. He then threw us into the deep end with a 17-hour prayer schedule beginning at 5am. We were to engage in “praying the Scriptures”
and spiritual journalling.

With my Bible open, I listened to my soul’s inner stirrings and immersed myself in the assigned Scriptures. I talked to God, asked questions and wrestled within me. I had my heart and my eyes opened. I wept. I let go and let God.

This song aptly describes my experience of coming and emptying myself before God and allowing him to fill me with what I had to learn. Not an early riser, I was tired and disorientated. I steeled myself to wake up, and stay awake, for prayers. I squirmed to be still. My silence was noisy, and my solitude crowded. God could not be heard through the clutter of my thoughts and disquiet of my spirit.

When I sheepishly reported my problem to Dr Chew, he encouraged me by saying that God could speak to us through both our periods of concentration and distractions. Deep breathing exercises helped me to keep focused. Finally, his “still small voice” could be heard in the turbulence of emotions. This was his grace. The nearer I drew to God, the more his light and holiness showed me my need for grace and forgiveness. I was almost drowning in wretchedness as I saw how I had grieved God with my sins and disobedience. I tasted his immeasurable love as I meditated on the Psalms, particularly Psalms 139 and 103. He comforted me over my failures and reassured me that he was not finished with me yet.

Submission

It was also a new experience for me to spend so much time with his Word. There were times I just did not get anything but waited for a word. In one session, I saw afresh the cost of submission for Mary and Elisabeth to do God’s will. As a mother, I could not understand why God gave them sons against such odds and then took them away in the prime of their lives through such horrific deaths.

God gently led me to surrender my ambitions for my children. Although I cannot foresee his will for them, I will hold them with open palms for him to do as he wills. I have learnt to thank God for the blessings and joy of having children without clinging on to them. “God, I lay down my anxieties over my children and I receive in faith your perfect plans for their lives,” I prayed.

Our family was going through uncertain times. Wonderfully, two weeks later, our specific prayers were graciously answered. Two truths registered really strongly in my heart. First, that he loved me unconditionally. Next, that he was the God of the impossible.

Not mystical

My silent retreat was neither romantic nor mystical. Instead, it was sheer discipline toughening the will and character. I believe that anyone can hear God if he waits in his presence. God delights in our drawing near because this was what he created us for!

Our schedule also included three walks with God: one each with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Can you imagine my amusement and confusion? I voiced my concern to the spiritual mentor that I could not do the “split act” of walking with three separate persons when I knew too well they were One! It was going to be tricky. He gave me the appropriate advice: “Just try — they are three Persons with different attributes.” So, in faith, I ventured out each day telling the appropriate Person that I was going for a walk with him and that I was ready to learn from him.

My walk with God the Father brought into sharp focus the amazing diversity, care, wisdom and grace he splurged on his creation and his faithful providence in its maintenance. He helped me see his meticulous handiwork in the shapes and colours of the leaves, the seeds, fl owers, trees, birds and everything around me. I feasted my senses on his masterpiece — Nature — and lifted my heart in adoration and thanksgiving. God had meant all this for Adam and Eve when he walked in the garden with them! In that short moment in time, I tasted a bit of heaven.

Follow me

In my walk with the Son, two words kept ringing in my ears, “Follow me”. These words took on new dimensions as he gently rebuked me for not being a good follower.

It was most awkward for me to invite the “Dear Holy Spirit” for a walk. Being a Presbyterian, I am not given to “operating in the Spirit”. As we walked, a deep sense of sadness overwhelmed me. Only one building we passed proclaimed a knowledge of Christ — a small Catholic church. The Holy Spirit was showing me the great task of evangelising that housing estate in which we were. I was reminded of Acts 1:8 in a new way.

I am deeply humbled and grateful for my “mountain top” experience. In these days when we are often running around like headless chickens, it might be a good idea to give this spiritual getaway a try.

Invigorating

In one of their adventures, Enid Blyton’s gutsy famous fi vesome come upon a mountain track leading just behind one of the cascades of a mighty waterfall. If you walked carefully enough over the precariously slimy rocks, you could get a sharp, cool, splashing wash-down. You could thrill in its invigorating, clear, fresh water. At times, it threatened to drown you if you did not hold your breath!

This quite closely describes my prayer experience at this retreat. It was as if, after a mucky, grimy jungle tramp, I had emerged from the other side, cleaner, refreshed and lighter.

I can see better, and there is even a spring in my step.
 

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